My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
