you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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