I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
