You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
