i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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