Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
