everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
