you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
