cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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