I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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