12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
don't judge my taste in strippers
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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