Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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