I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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