Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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