You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
