Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize