Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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