We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
