"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I didn't notice because vodka
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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