I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
