Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
