If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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