Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
