i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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