What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
