Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
