You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
