new low.... made out with someone while peeing
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
