I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
