omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
