That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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