Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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