shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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