and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Is Oprah even human
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
