i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
