im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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