Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
