Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
