no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
