my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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