tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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