finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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