If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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