saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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