Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i permit you to call me
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
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