if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
