I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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