Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize