meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
