I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
