So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Damn victory sex feels great
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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