help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
