My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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