There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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