I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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