Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize