Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
