waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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