Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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