upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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