A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
