i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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