Can i not drive my cunt home
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
