Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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